A Piece Of Heaven

Five years ago my Mom breathed her last breath here on Earth to make her journey home to Heaven. Those who have walked a similar journey understand the longing for that person. Some days Heaven feels far.

Many have followed the journey the past five years and I am grateful for you. Today, I am opening myself up a bit. I miss my Mom dearly but I have hope and joy. Please read my raw processing of the fifth year anniversary of her passing:

All I want is to experience a piece of Heaven with you today. I see you, you’re young and radiant. I thought you were beautiful as I grew up but today you radiate the light from the son and you’re breathtaking. You even smell good. I never saw you so healthy and your hair so thick. Aunt Shorty is smiling as she stands by your side. Michael is in your arms and your other grandkids are running around your legs giggling. My oldest sibling cannot wait to meet the rest of us as I see them waiting with excitement for our homecoming. The joy is indescribable!

Just a piece of Heaven.

To my Dad who saw your slow death from the beginning and battled on your behalf, will a piece of you come visit him in his dreams tonight? Just a piece of Heaven, a glance of your eye and your smile that radiates such love. Just a bit of your presence to touch the ache and bring a little more peace than before.

Just a piece of Heaven and I can tell you face to face how so many of your prayers for me have been answered. The horors of your childhood, a piece somehow did not elude me and it tore your heart to pieces. If only you could see me today and know I’m free, healed and whole. I know now that you prayed dreams and hopes would somehow be restored and the joyful spark would return to my eyes. Just a piece of Heaven is all I ask today, so that we could laugh a bit more over coffee. I could give you a hug and you could see the dreams that are unfolding in my life.

Just a piece of heaven, it is all I ask for my siblings who miss you too. You could be with all of your grandkids, some of whom you could kiss for the first time. Swingset swinging, going down slides, dancing, and laughing together even for a moment.

Just a piece of Heaven, it is all I ask.

Just a piece of Heaven for everyone.

Mom, I love you!

Mother’s Day…

Sigh.

This day is full of many emotions.

When we were children we never knew what our Mommas were feeling or going through. But the truth is that they often were grieving or struggling in some way. Sure, many years were great when this day came but so many brave souls overcame a day feeling less than, forgotten or were without someone they loved.

For those who have lost their Mom and/or sweet children of your own, rest in the fact that God loves them even to this day, more than you. I say this phrase as a blessing to you.

Today after church I was able to take a deep breathe in the car ride home. As I allowed myself to soak in all the love, hugs, and notes I had received, I saw an image of my Mom holding my son in her arms in heaven. How perfect they looked!

I realized in that moment how well taken care of both of them are. I know this but to “see” it and to see my Mom loving and holding my boy so close was exactly what my Momma heart needed. This would have (should have) been my first Mother’s day with a baby in my arms.

Despite the hint of sadness from loss, my heart is so full. I am one blessed woman. I am loved. I am lacking nothing because all of God’s promises are yes and amen.

The same goes for you. You are blessed. You are loved. You lack nothing because all of God’s promises are yes and amen.

Honorable, virtuous, strong woman, shed a tear if you need but arise and lift up your head for you are victorious!

Baking and Dandelions

The aroma of homemade banana bread fills my home. It brings back memories of my Mom. I sing and dance in my kitchen as I whip up my own recipe. My eyes get misty as I remember her. As much as my Mom taught me how to follow recipes we never really stuck to it much.

I remember how we would get distracted talking or letting someone in our home in the middle of baking. When this happened it usually resulted with us forgetting an ingredient. I still laugh about the time we forgot to put sugar into our pumpkin pie. I tried pouring sugar over every bite but it still tasted awful.

I can laugh at these memories. I look back fondly on those moments where I know my Mom poured all of her love into me. It has caused me to reflect and ponder the legacy I am leaving behind. Will people remember my love?

As Easter approaches I miss her. When I see dandelions in full bloom I pick them and place them in a small vase because as a child I knew my Mom would put them on display. My Mom was able to recognize my gift of “weeds” as a treasure.

If my Mom loved me like this then how much greater does Jesus? I am in awe of this truth. He sees my weeds and makes it beautiful. He turns my mourning into joy. He waters a beautiful garden with every tear. He is faithful.

As I bake in my kitchen in my beautiful home, a tear may fall but a tender smile remains knowing the gift my Mom was. Not all Mom’s are able to show a small portion of Gods heart towards their children. I realize this precious gift that was given to me was intended for me to also give away.

I hope to leave a legacy of love.

Memories

Memories are complex. The other night I was thinking of my Mom. I remembered when she was pregnant with my brother and how sick she was. It was almost as if I experienced being a little girl again who wanted my Mom to feel better again. Being a child I thought that by sharing my favorite doll and laying the doll on her belly would make her better. My favorite doll always made me happy and helped my tears go away. Such a precious memory right? My Mom in her exhaustion did such a good job to encourage me even when I was full of energy and I did not make rest easy for her.

I am now the same age as my Mom when she had my brother. For some reason it is a very significant age for me. I wish I could visit Heaven and ask her all the questions going through my mind these days. I have a brother or sister in Heaven that I have never met and I know my Mom would understand every thought and feeling.

There are days I wish I had my sister to chat with. I miss us three girls all together. I had always dreamt that my Mom, sister and I would talk girl talk and about kids with cups full of hot coffee. Those days will never be.

I am blessed with others who understand but no one can replace my Mom.

Love you Mom!

A Letter To My Mom

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I know that you are in the best place imaginable. I am thankful that you are no longer in pain. But today the distance and the separation is way too far. I see your name in my phone and I want to call or text you. I still send you emails because I imagine you reading them up in Heaven. And I can just imagine your bright smile, full of the most joy we have ever witnessed, shining forth the living and vibrant love of Jesus.


It is a strange paradox to have joy knowing that you are in the presence of Jesus, in our forever home, yet desperately longing for your presence by my side. I am thankful that your body has been rid of disease; that you have been fully restored. I remember slowly, as the years went by, your frame became smaller and weaker. Despite that, your hugs brought such peace. I always enjoyed feeling your arms around me, as I was safe in your arms as your daughter. That was something that I never outgrew. It was as if love was holding me, pure love. What a taste of Heaven that was. I thank God for that gift.


Not having you here has been difficult because I enjoyed being with you. We didn’t need to say anything at all. Just knowing that we were together was enough because I already knew how much you loved me. This was why, even as you lay dying in the hospital, I still wanted to be with you as long as I possibly could. Even at the funeral home, I just sat by your coffin because my mind and heart were still working through the fact that even though your body was there your spirit was not. I knew that once the coffin was shut, and we lay your lifeless body to rest, that I would no longer have my beautiful Mom to look upon, or hold. I had to tell myself to leave you there because my future was with the living.


I still cry when I go to the mall. We had the best shopping days. You taught me how to be the best clearance shopper around! But Mom, when hard times come, I miss having you to talk through them. I miss the connection that we had. There is no one like you. You literally were the only one I trusted with such things. Now that is gone, the dark days seem a lot darker. I am thankful that God holds me. I am thankful that Heaven is my home, and one day, this will all be a memory.


I tell J all of the time that you are helping prepare for a big party; that you beat us there and get to wait with excitement for when we get there. This seems to help her grapple with the thought that you will never be here on earth again to hug her. She must have felt the love like I did because she talks about missing your hugs the most. And as we talk about you together J will say, “It sounds like she was the best Mommy!” And I always reply back, “Yes, she was!” I pray to be the type of Mom you were to me. You were truly the best!


Thank you Mom for loving Jesus! Thank you Mom for being the best! Thank you for all you taught us. Thank you for being present and making the most of every day. Thank you for giving your life for Jesus. I look forward to coffee with you in Heaven. Sending you butterfly kisses now and forever.