I have been silent for longer than I intended. Words, so many words have tumbled through my mind like clothes in a dryer. Too many words have remained stuck inside. Pain deep in my gut for people I love; my friends, my family and my country. At times even pain over things within myself has come to the surface.
Amidst this time where the true nature of our world has surfaced… Where we finally see how crazy and bonkers things have been below the surface, hidden deep inside, revealing too many dark secrets from the depravity of sin… So much beauty has come forth. Healing is painful yet so breathtakingly beautiful. I would like to think that some of the turmoil we see is a nation beginning to heal.
It has been hope that has carried me during this time. I have learned that it is okay to not have the right words. It is good to have moments of silent reflection followed by breaking out in worship, because words and the feelings behind them become pointless when the nation is up in flames and no one wants to listen.
When words fail you. When pain runs deep. When healing needs to take place. When you need a miracle. When you stand before a giant. When everything is going up in flames. When life is good. When laughter comes from deep wells.
Worship through it all.
It seems hard to be adventurous when we are told to stay home… So we took to the road and grabbed some lunch. We live in such a beautiful area! I am thankful for the rain that makes it all so green. Have you ever noticed all the different shades of green? God could have chosen just one color but He made so many!
Have you also noticed how the trees bloom? Even as life has slowed it seems to have happened overnight. There is so much beauty all around us. The budding, coming to life, rebirth is happening all around us right now.
Birds sing such happy tunes. It is like surround sound song birds and chirps in my backyard. I could sit back there for hours. I need to figure out how to set up a writing station with power outside as well as get a hammock for writing breaks and naps… Or just to lay outside reading. This is truly one of my dreams come true. It may be one part of my adventure… The part where the entire world slows down for a moment.
Until life and freedoms restored, I will bask in the miracles happening around me. This is only part of the adventure!
Today you would have been 5 months old. A year ago you made your grand entrance into heaven instead. I will never understand why you had to go so soon. I will never understand why out of nowhere you came and out of nowhere you left. You were a gift that sparked new hope. Because of you a promise came.
In the E.R. I remember breathing through the rolls of cramps asking God to save you. Despite the pain. Despite not receiving the care I went there for. Despite sitting in a plastic chair amidst strangers. Despite losing you in the bathroom I still had hope.
All I did was praise. In those moments of both physical and emotional pain I focused on prayer & worship. At this point I had already lost you and the pains kept coming. I had not been given any medicine so I just breathed through and began to sing quietly under my breath. Somehow, deep down I knew God would turn all things to good and be glorified in all this. So I sang for God to be glorified. I sang the truth of who He was because He was the only constant and unchanging thing in my life. He still is.
It has been a year. Since then I have run after the enemy in pursuit of justice. I have been prayed for almost every month. Issues I’ve had for over 20 years gone because of prayer. My faith has grown. In the Philippines I prayed for many wombs to open and for babies to come. I expect to see babies in those ladies arms.
The enemy can try to steal and try to keep what’s ours but only for the length of time that we are believing lies about our inheritance. Once you realize who you are and whose you are there is no stopping you from storming enemy camp and claiming what is yours.
But goodness, this past year has been intense! The past 3 months have been the most intense of all. Waiting for a promise (or 2 or 3) is not an easy feat. There will always be a battle before your victory. I also believe that because of you my dear angel child in heaven, that my faith grew in order to claim new territory for our family. As I have done this I have realized how important it is to remain steadfast because claiming new territory can awaken dragons intended to cause delays or destruction. That new territory is worth a lot otherwise it would be easy.
Today I choose to celebrate you my dear child. I choose to praise through the tears. I choose to sing like I did in the E.R. God has not changed. He never will. He is still the miracle worker. He is still the way maker. And He is still the promise keeper.
Happy Birthday Michael! I love you.