10 Years! (Dear Husband)

Hannah Hope Photography

Dear Husband,

I know today could be passed by by most people. But our 10 years are a BIG deal! When I reflect on this day 10 years ago, I was filled with excitement of a dream coming true as well as the weight of how serious this covenant I was walking into. It has taken many years to work through the pain of sticking to a ceremony that others did not want me to have but I am thankful I can see all of the beauty of that day now. I will forever remember your gift and what I consider a most sacred moment when I walked down the aisle. Our flower girl was missing and you gifted me with ladies who I cared for, to bless my path with the petals. It was your first romantic act on such a generational-changing day. I also apologize for leaving you waiting for ten minutes post ceremony start time because I wanted to pray with my prayer warriors. I still remember the blessings prayed over us by my precious friends!

I do believe that all the spiteful and curse words spoken over our marriage only revealed how much we were meant to be together. Here is why:

These past 10 years has led to one miracle and impossibility after another! We have seen proof, that as we are unified together, God acts and He acts mightily. We have seen God open one door after the other to ministry opportunities, precious relationships, miracles in finances and provisions, homes, healing, and the miraculous growth of our family. What man told us was impossible was not impossible with God and He gave us favor and did the impossible for us (And He isn’t done— He is only getting started)!

This journey has not been easy. We’ve seen more together than most do in a lifetime. Too many losses to keep track of and injustices that surprise others. We could list our novel long heartaches but none of those would come close to comparing to the gifts and blessings we have gained from God amidst the suffering. He has gifted His hope in small and large doses when we’ve needed it. He has met us in every high and every low. We are not the same people we were 10 years ago. We are better people.

Sex is better (yup, people- I finally said it)— there’s been a lot of freedom here. I will never shy away from saying that a covenant keeping people have way better sex lives (this is proof of healing in me btw that I even dare to write this publicly & the Church needs to take this back, so here I am starting the dialogue)… well, because God designed it that way and it isn’t gross, impure or ugly to speak of it that way. Romance and sex was His idea, not the other way around! Your spouse is supposed to knock you off your feet. Pleasure is God’s design within His covenant. What a great gift of taking back from the enemy the mysterious covenant of intimacy intended for a husband and a wife! I am thankful we saved sex (and having any type of physical relationship) until we were married. I am not sure we would have the freedom we are living in otherwise.

While our vows remain true I have to admit that we have surpassed some because of the growing love and grace of God. Instead of being a Lakers fan for a day I am a Lakers fan full time (Caruso all the way). Instead of breakfast in bed I’ve received it far more than I have given to you. When I could not get up recovering from my miscarriage you took care of me… for 3 months in a row! Our separate vows became one in this decade. And I’m proud to take credit for giving you a love for good coffee even if it may come across a little snobbish at times.

We are gentler and kinder people. We have dug deep roots together in the truths of our Savior and in the promises in God’s Word. Every storm was intended for our destruction but it only deepened our roots and made us stronger. And here we stand, hand-in-hand, looking at more impossibilities amidst miracles that continue to take place. Life is so incredible together!

Here is to another 57 more years.

You are my best adventure.

I love you!


Hannah Hope Photography

Coffee Break

No amount of suffering and heartbreak will ever rob me of the blessings I hear down the hall. The footsteps that I hear as my world awakens, stirs me deeply. Heart somersaults from hugs, smiles and laughter. ⁣⁣
Healing is messy. Life gets mucky and until Heaven, we must confront suffering with the hope and healing from Jesus. He is so gracious and always near. We can forget that He wants to join us in the heartache, when it feels we are amidst a hurricane and are being pounded from all sides. We can forget that He took on our suffering. We are not alone. We are understood and known. What comfort we can have knowing this!⁣⁣
Take a moment today. Pour yourself a cup of coffee and remind yourself that whatever storm and struggle you are enduring will pass. You can be strengthened amidst the wind and the pelting rain. He is with you. Sip and enjoy even if it is for a few minutes. ⁣⁣
The wind is changing. The sun is about to break through. ⁣⁣

I Screamed At God

Hi friend,

I know it’s been some time since I’ve blogged or posted anything too inspirational. If I am to be honest with you since January 1st I have been grieving certain things in life. Each week presented some other loss. Sometimes I tend to focus on whatever needs to be done and make sure everyone else in my life is okay. Are any of you like this too?

I hit a major grief stage over the weekend because I didn’t realize I hadn’t had time to myself for a month to process as I needed. Any introvert knows that can be deadly and my soul was screaming.

There is a song, Save Me, by Steffany Gretzinger that says,

“I tried to be the hero for a day.
But all my superpowers failed to save.
So I turned in my ego and my cape.
I was made to fly but not this way”.

I had unknowingly tried to save what was not mine to save and I looked around to find myself alone with the heartache. But God met me even as I screamed at Him and beat on His chest while He held me. Todd White likes to say, “God is a big boy” and I never realized how much God could take from me as I said every thought I’d been too afraid to process out loud with Him. This may sound weird to you but I sometimes still wrestle with the lie that God is punishing me for things I’ve done or did not know were wrong. This couldn’t be further from the truth!

He held me close. He dried my tears with His own sleeve. He listened to me. In that moment as ALL my pain spewed out, He told me to rest. In His lap, exhausted, I rested. None of my circumstances had changed. My womb was still empty and aching. The questions still were unanswered. My heart hurt most of all. For my lost children. For injustices I could not fix. For so much loss over the past decade. For things bandaids could not make better. For relationships I missed. For the life I let go of and the one I feel I have to fight for. For my broken country. For the painful tears that never will dry on earth. None of these were fixed in that moment.

And that is okay.

In that moment I had God holding me, hearing my heart and my voice at the same time.

He extended so much grace and mercy. His gentle arms held me closer as I rested and I could finally hear the beat of His heart after mine had stopped pounding in my ears. Gentleness was gifted to me instead of flashing angry eyes and a stern voice. He knew I needed a break from the pain.

Our burdens were never intended for us to carry on our own. As He held me, the burden started to lift. It took some time as I worked through the anger that lingered but new air started to fill my lungs. Each day since then I have realized how much I have gained through each loss and moment of suffering. God is so good that He had woven so much beauty amidst every part of life!

How long has it been since you stopped what you were doing and rested? Do you need to hang up your cape, that you may have unknowingly put on, and allow God to come save the day or perhaps save you? He is our refuge and strength (Psalm 46). He is a “big boy” and can handle whatever you need to talk about. He extends grace and mercy even when it doesn’t come out nicely because He knows us perfectly.

God knew I could not take anymore. He knew that just because I was angry I still loved Him and wanted to love Him more and more, for forever. He knows you too. He knows.

He is waiting for you.

Hang up your cape. Rest.