This week I was reminded by my husband about how much I have changed from a year ago. A lot of healing has taken place in the past year. A lot of encouragement and building up has occurred by great leaders around me. I am beyond grateful!
At the time I took the pictures shown above, I was not yet ready to share with the world why these flowers were so important to me. I had already been given enough advice on how to grieve, how not to grieve and I was tired of being told that I should be over it. God has done so much within my heart since then.
The flowers in the pictures represent love from Father God. If you are on a path of grieving let me be the first to tell you that God understands and that he holds you, weeps with you and sees every tear. You matter. Your grieving heart matters. You are not alone. You have loved much and that is something very beautiful.
One Saturday night I had a dream with my Mom in it. She had some white flowers she had been watering and she told me that she had asked God if she could give me some white flowers. She also said that she wanted me to tell my Dad that “it is okay and that she understood.” At the time I did not know the significance of what she said. But I do remember waking up weeping because she had been so real in my dream. All I longed for was to have more moments with her where she was not in pain.
Crying in the mornings by that time had become a regular occurrence. Fatigue was also something I was unable to overcome. I did my best to cry as much as possible before getting into church mode so that I could tend to my sweet kids and their family well that Sunday. As we drove back home after a good church service, I was beyond exhausted so I sunk deep into the passenger seat. My husband slowly turned into our driveway and my eyes caught a glimpse of white in the flowerbeds below our front window.
It could not be! I jumped up and quickly walked over to investigate the flowerbed, which I had not planted anything in, watered, or tended to the entire year. To my sweet surprise there were white flowers, just like the ones my Mom had been watering in my dream the previous night. I could hardly believe it! Tears welled up as I realized how much my Mom loved me. Even more so I realized how much my Father God loved my Mom and loved me. It was like a sweet balm to my aching and bruised heart at the time. It was confirmation that God was giving me permission to love, let go of the pain and grieve rather than feel guilty for it. It was a realization that grieving was allowing God to heal the pain of separation rather than having to lose someone so close to me. I had not lost her at all. It would simply just be a little longer before we could hug each other, plant our own garden again and sip some coffee while laughing.
I still have days where the separation seems too far and my heart is hit with an ache so deep that tears well up. But I have never lost the hope and the ever-increasing joy that Heaven is waiting for us. God does not like separation either. It is why he sent Jesus. Heaven is our hope. He is our joy. And until that day, I choose him.
Besides, you never know when God will send you flowers.