Month: April 2015

The Mother’s Day Blues

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Most recently my inbox has been getting over run by Mothers day ads. These messages have been making me feel much sadder than I anticipated. Mother’s day is already a hard day for me. Being a Step Mom does not qualify you in the eyes of many in society and the day can often feel awkward and sad for me. Now on top of this day, I get to be reminded that I am motherless. There are happy memories and I am grateful for the gift that my Mom was. But I am still working through feelings of longing for what others still have… their Mom.

The hardest part for me recently is to not feel sadness deep in my heart when I hear my friends talk about their Mom. I miss so many things about my own. When others begin to talk about times with their Mom, whether it is shopping, having her pay for their meal, being Grandma to their kids, and on it goes, I have to do a mental and emotional check within me. I have to remind myself that it is fine to greatly miss my own Mom while celebrating with those around me that they still have the gift of theirs.

The Lord is still doing His good work deep within me as I grieve and learn what letting go looks like. As Mother’s day gets closer I have found myself working through a normal order of emotions. I begin with dreading the day, to accepting that I cannot hide under my covers and weep with sorrow. Then I acknowledge that I can celebrate who my Mom was, while embracing and showing love to my other Mother figures (or fellow Mom friends) in my life. It is a strange mingling of emotions mixed with reality. Reality is that there are still so many here with me that I cherish. I do not want to lose sight of who they are amidst my own sorrow. I want to live in the moment because living in the moment does not mean forgetting or dishonoring my Mom. In fact, living in the moment, laughing with tears in my eyes, crying for a time, and loving those in my life all honor her memory.

If Mothers day is a hard day for you as well, this is my word of encouragement to you today: Do not be ashamed of the pain and sorrow in your heart, nor hide the tears that want to fall to the ground. Let those tears fall. Let those tears purify and cleanse the ache inside your soul. Know that God understands the pain, the sorrow and the longings in your heart. Sometimes Mother’s day is hard because you miss your Mom. Perhaps you have been grieving a miscarriage. Other times it is hard because you long to be a Mom and yet to have that become a reality. Whatever reason you have, God knows the desires of your heart. He has heard your cries. Do not give up hope.

He will make something beautiful out of the mess you feel you may be in.

3 weeks ago… A Thankful Heart

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So much has happened within the past several weeks. I am just now getting to a place where I can actually sit down and write something other than, “hey guys, a little busy here!” There are so many thoughts going through my mind right now as I think back over these past weeks. I feel emotions ranging from sadness, disappointment, frustration, to joy, and gladness. I understand more how much life is a painful journey of letting go and allowing God to mold the hardest parts of my will. These past weeks have felt like a glorious breaking of every part of who I am.

 

We have gone from one big event to another major transition, all while being sick 4 out of the 6 weeks. Stress does that to your body after having endured so many long days. I have to admit that I am ready to be back to “normal” and actually get some rest. In the meantime, let me share with you a little part of my journey from 3 weeks ago.

 

I had 9 minutes left until I had to go on stage. I was doing my best to work through the vast majority of my nerves and excitement before Kids Convention was to officially begin. Earlier that day I had run into the arms of Jesus as a wave of extreme sadness and longing for my Mom came upon me. Kids Convention has been the closest to a personal dream coming true in my life. As a child I sang as often as I could. I had dreams of being a professional singer on tour around the world. When my world crumbled down on me with my own tragedy in high school, all my dreams were buried in their own graveyard. It was not until about 4-5 years ago, God was showing me how he wanted to take back from the enemy what he had stolen. My Savior, and Lord helped me take back my voice!

 

8 minutes were left before I needed to go on stage. There I was going to find my water bottle and put a cough drop in my mouth when an amazing woman asked me if I had any significant prayer points. It was then that the floodgates opened. In that moment, the longing for my Mom was beyond what I could hold within myself. My sciatica was also really causing me pain. As I cried and told her how I felt she put her arms around me.

 

7 minutes left before I needed to go on stage. As the tears fell, she anointed me with oil and prayed for my aching heart and hurting body. 6 minutes left and she still was not done. Inside I was thinking how my timing could not have been any worse. But the waves of grief do not ever come in good timing. I have had to work through feelings of guilt when it strikes at the worst of times. I made a conscious choice to cast the guilt aside from feeling this grief.

 

5 minutes were left and her prayer ended. It was in a sense a perfect timed prayer as I was able to run to my position and begin a weekend I will treasure in my heart forever. The tears were gone. Strength was renewed within my mind and body. And there I was using my voice against the enemy once again. I know that my amazing Mom was celebrating. I could imagine her doing her air punches with her lips firmly pressed together followed by a victory dance.

 

I am so thankful that I do not have to walk this life alone. Healing and grieving is a painful journey. There are times that it can feel dark. Other times you can feel overwhelmed. I am learning that even in the grief, and even in the pain, God is so much stronger. His goodness surpasses anything. His love furiously invades every aspect of life. Because of God there is so much beauty in the journey.

 

Thank you God for walking this journey with me. Thank you for the beauty.