Last night as I was talking with God about everything that has gone on and is going on, I had a healing experience. Recently I have been working through feelings of anger that I never had before. I have been angry because other people that I love are hurting and there is nothing I can humanly do right now to solve the problem. I have been angry that my Mom died the way that she did having suffered a stroke that kept her in the hospital dying until her last breath. I have been angry even with myself for words buried deep within me years ago that I spoke from deep hurt as a young lady towards my Mom. Feelings of anger that I would hurt my Mom even though it was not intentional caused me emotional pain. All of these feelings rolled together into one unexpectedly.
These are new feelings. These feelings surprised me because when Mom passed away I literally had no regrets in regards to my relationship with her. We had a connection that is harder to explain to many. We had both worked through our own hurts together. Mom apologized for many things, as did I towards her for the tough journey she helped me walk through in high school. I can recall a moment in a coffee shop with my Mom. With tears in her eyes she apologized for a lack of action on her part to help protect me. Even though much of what she was apologizing for was out of her control, it was probably one of the most healing points in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we had a good relationship then, but there is something amazing when Jesus molds two hearts together, he continues to draw you both closer through him. I miss this relationship with my Mom beyond description. We understood one another. We did not need words. There was comfort. We both knew that we would support each other no matter what.
But recently the hurtful things I said that wounded her so many years ago came flooding back. My heart was broken. These memories as well as her in the hospital are something that I suppose still need to be worked through. I know that the stages of grief go in cycles and often strike people differently. But last night as I was working through these feelings of anger and grief I saw an image of my Mom. She was right in front of me. She gently cupped my face in her hands, looked me directly in my eyes and said, “Honey, I am better now. Do not worry about all those things. I am better. Do not look back.” The love in her eyes penetrated my very soul and I knew God was speaking. God, through the silence allowed my heart to let go again. God speaks these words. It is all throughout scripture. Press on. Do not look at the former things. Do not look back. Move forward.
If any of you are working through anger, regrets, or past actions that led to pain and hurt, stop looking at them. Do not look back! For those of you working through regrets regarding my Mom, please know that you have been forgiven long ago. She would never hold these things against you. She never did here on earth so why should you be holding onto them now that she is in Heaven? As her family, we also forgive you and do not hold such actions against you. Forgive yourself and know that my Mom and more importantly, God, would want you to press on and move forward. Keep going. Do not look back.
God loves you beyond anything in the entire world! Messy as you are, you are loved dearly! That is beautiful is it not?
