I woke up this morning full of memories. Christmas Eve. It is a time that so many happy and joyous moments flood my mind. But this morning my mind played a trick on me. I fully expected to wake up to a phone call with the sound of my Mom’s voice over the phone, full of excitement. I know that this is a normal occurrence during grieving. It sucks. Because after the fact, reality hits you in the gut like a two by four and you find yourself hunched over in tears, with a pain that no one else can see. In that moment it feels unbearable. In that moment, you ask yourself how you are going to make it through Christmas.
For those of you in similar situations my heart goes out to you. I pray for you to feel God’s love for you in the moment-by-moment journey. He carries you.
Even though the journey is very hard, there is still so much to be thankful for. Let me share with you a God moment that I had last night.
After a long day of cleaning, baking, and art making, I was tired and busily attempting to get more done before the Eve of Christmas. My hands were thick in the perfectly delicious and addictive Oreo truffles that I make every year. I have always loved getting my hands dirty and being able to lick the mess off of my fingers makes it that much more enjoyable! My amazing (as well as hott, hott, hott) husband was having me hide myself in the kitchen while I was mixing these truffles together so that he could wrap my present. He had just come back inside after getting my gift out of his truck (this is the first year we have been able to get gifts for each other… yippee!).
He said, “Be prepared. I think that we will have carolers.”
And I respond, “Really? Do we know these carolers?”
So there I was, my hands were covered in this delicious mess and I heard the most beautiful sound. Carolers with voices like angels!
I attempted to clean my hands quickly but when you have such a delicious, gooey mess, it generally takes longer. I was so excited!
When I made it outside the people had faces that I knew. They were not some strange group (although, some may argue that point. Lol!). These were genuine friends, who have helped walk us through one of our hardest journeys here. Jeremy and I both know how much they care. Their hearts love Jesus.
I was overcome with gratefulness and a mingling of sorrow as memories flooded my mind. But mostly I was overcome with the overpowering flood of love that I felt in that moment. I was unable to keep my tears at bay. I wept long after they left.
You have to understand something here. Earlier that day I had been having a conversation with God as I was art making to cheesy Christmas movies. I remember talking to him about how Christmas has changed. As a kid one of my favorite things to do, as well as see, were carolers. Why did it seem like that tradition had gone away?
I told God how I missed that part of Christmas. I missed the genuine action of people doing simple actions for others. I missed seeing groups of people singing door to door, even if they were off key (although this bunch were not). It was a matter of the heart. The heart of Christmas is Jesus. I saw and experienced this through caroling (I know. Go figure!)
This may seem like it is no big deal to you but to me it is a small piece of Christmas that I feel reveals a piece of Heaven.
God knew. He sent me carolers last night. It revealed his heart for me. It confirmed his unchanging love for me. It was a small detail. Carolers. But he knew just how much it would matter to me. He knew how much it would touch my heart.
To the family that came, please know just how much it meant to me that you came as carolers. It was one of the best Christmas gifts you could have ever given me. God has used you greatly in our lives and we are so grateful for you. Thank you!
God, thank you for loving us so deeply! Thank you for bringing your heart of love into our home, into our hearts, and last night right at our doorstep. Thank you for giving us Jesus.
Please give Mom a hug from me.
We love you.
Our hearts are yours.
Happy Birthday, Jesus!