After our meeting with the Doctor we all had agreed upon allowing Mom to heal here on this earth without any further intervention. We knew that either decision she would not survive long unless God chose to miraculously restore her body. It was with this knowledge, that saying, “see you later” was the hardest to do. My last few hours with her were very precious. I had a hard time with the fact that this might be the very last time I was ever with my Mom.
During that time I was able to say those precious things that I needed her to know. I needed her to know that it was fine for her to run into Jesus’ arms. I needed her to know that God was answering her prayers. I needed her to know just how big of a spiritual mentor, leader, friend, and Mom she was to all of us, especially to me. I needed her to know so many things that were pouring from deep within me that no words seemed good enough. Yet, I still told her over and over. The hardest part was leaving her there, knowing that I would never hear her say my name again, or being able to embrace her and share a cup of coffee. I had to say “goodbye” to one of my best friends.
Leaving my Dad at the hospital was brutal. I had moments during my workdays where I literally could not think about anything other than my Dad who was once again alone in the hospital with my Mom. Several days went by and we were informed that my Mom was put on hospice care. She remained comfortable without any life support. We knew that her time was short. The term “short” had different meanings to each of us. I was unsure she would live much longer than a few days.
On the beautiful, warm, Florida morning of August 7th, just as the sun was rising, my Mom breathed her last breath as my Dad held her hand and watched. She had not even made it a full 24 hours without life support. She was now running into the arms of Jesus, her Savior whom she loved with her whole entire being. She was able to hold her precious baby that she so longed to bring forth into this life. She was reunited with family members and friends. She was healed. She was radiant.
I received the news while at a youth camp at 3 am. It was odd to receive news that I knew would eventually be coming my way. At the same time, the message that we had prepared for the youth, was only made much more impactful by her death. I was willing to lay my heart in front of those kids in order for them to understand the vast love God has for us. Mom showed us that with her life as well as in her death.
From that day on life was a whirl. We had tons of support from many people we did not even know. Somehow we were able to get all of the arrangements done in time for her funeral on August 19th. Work during that time was a struggle and my days were much longer just so that I could get everything done. My mind was having a hard time focusing so I would often work for 2-3 hours and then get up and move for 5-10 minutes. If I needed to, I would work at a coffee shop when I was not working from home or from the office. I was doing what I could to still minister well and work through my own grief.
Today, days are still hard. In some sense I would say that I know that I definitely need a break. I never took any bereavement time. I never took any extra days off. So here I am, holidays coming, draining myself of energy well spent. Yet my heart aches with the grief of losing my own Mom. I cry more often and allow myself to be fine with the reality that I will still cry more than I ever thought I could. I am allowing myself to grieve. It feels good to allow myself to grieve despite the agonizing heartache it takes to do so.
Please pray for our family. It has not yet been 4 months since Mom entered Heaven. The holidays are upon us and we do not know what these days look like. We appreciate your support and any grace given during this time. We need safe people who will let us be ourselves as we learn more of who we are in this process. And above all, together, let us thank God for blessing us with those near and dear to us.
Thank you to each of you who helped give money so that we could be together in Fort Pierce! We needed that time together.
Thank you God for Mom!
Thank you God for a Dad who loves you and is a great example to us!
Thank you God that you form and knit families together.
We love you, great and mighty King!